Huckleberry Friends

Identity Crisis

I haven't posted in so long because I'm not really sure who I am any more, or how my disparate parts can fit into a whole.

Huckleberry Friends, the creative business venture, is dead. I needed to make real money, so I am back in the bookkeeping business.

Am I a crafter if all of my supplies are packed away?

Am I a cyclist if I have no bike?

Am I a wife if I don't feel close to my husband?

Where does my regained love of running fit?

I am lonely and lost. Yet I have an amazing toddler who I love more than I thought possible. I live in the most beautiful place on earth. My awesome mom lives close by and sees us almost every day.

Who am I? What am I doing?

I hate you ... give me that camera (and I'm missing my bike / child-less self)

Toddlers are just like teenagers, but without the hormones.

Isabel is learning to use a spoon, but insists on scooping up her food and then upending the spoon to get the contents into her mouth. Of course, the spoon fits better when it is upside down because it conforms to the tongue, but the food gets everywhere. I try to show her the correct way, but she insists on her way. The trouble is, she gives me this really smug 13-year-old look when she scoops food in upside down, as if to say: "see, I know the RIGHT way to do this." All the while, I am holding the bowl under her mouth to catch the food she spills.

I have this clear vision into the future (when she is a teen) of the same look on her face as she "proves" that she is right again about something. I realize that my role as her mother is to empower her ability to control her life, all while holding the bowl under her mouth to catch her food. I hope I can always be there to help her learn and figure out her messes.

I took the photo as she was scooping upside down, but as soon as she saw the camera, she started crying for it. When I put it away, she recommenced eating. Such a toddler!

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If my writing is illegible in any way, it is because I have had over 1/2 bottle of wine, which is a lot for me. I am so sad that I finally sold my bike, Daisy, today. I sold it to a very nice couple from Mill Valley, and she will be ridden, but I miss her so much. She reminds me of what I miss most about NYC - my commute along the Hudson River Parkway. One of the most beautiful commutes in the world. I know Northern CA is very beautiful, but you do not have the architecture mixed with nature on your bike paths. I'm feeling very sad for my lost time alone on a bike that I love. So, I am listening to the songs I used to listen to on my daily rides and feeling very lonely for that bit of myself that got lost when I became a mother. Songs like this on the stereo now ... "Barracuda" ... how can a mother listen to that like a single woman would? With a little bit of jealousy of that single woman, that's how. Oh, if I could only live my 20's and early 30's over again!

I can't believe I had to sell my bike - I feel like I sold myself.